Monday, December 3, 2012

Have Ache Will Travel... The $29 Bliss or Miss?

Groupon is the best thing EVER!! I got a deal on a massage (or so I thought...) for $29, I got an hour massage. I am thinking, wow, this is great. My back has been bothering me with all of this rain, so a nice, relaxing message would feel great. (ahem, NO, I am NOT soliciting massage therapists!) And for $29 bucks... even better. Cuz it's not like you can ruin a massage right?
Well, WRONG, you can. I was telling the girl about one of my first massages, done at the YMCA from a dude who looked like Jesus. It was so weird, I had a hard time relaxing with the Son of God’s hands all over. Anyhoo, I’m digressing a bit. I do that sometimes. Sorry. It's a slippery slope in the inner workings of my brain. 
Still on the digression progression, let me get back to my story. Massage, Jesus, Guilt, all things considered it was a memorable massage and not just because of being rubbed down by a holy-man-look-a-like, he went so deep that my massage threw my back out. I woke up the next day in pain and could hardly move. Maybe God was punishing me, not because he was really JC but because thinking of something makes it just as sinful as doing it... then again, I guess I kinda was doing it huh? Hmmm, Lets just move on to THIS massage. 
I was talking to this massage therapist about the Jesus Massage in the context that I just wanted a nice and relaxing massage. I didn’t really want something to deep, I was really just looking for to having a nice break from life for an hour.  
But that didn't happen. The conversation started with no deep tissue massage, moving onto the Jesus dude, and then onto onto her recent move from Oregon, or was it Wisconsin and then Oregon? Then onto her being a 1099 employee (which BTW by IRS regulations, she ISN'T) to moving, different types of Crocs, the Croc store at The Block, the new styles and the non-slip surface on the soles of Croc’s and then we got on the subject of taxes and jobs... She mentioned something about all Chiropractors are paying by doing the 1099 thing and then she moved on to how bigger companies are not paying health insurance benefits by making full-time employees into part-time employees, which brought us to Obamacare: YES!! The O Word!
As a 1099 Consultant, she cannot qualify for Obamacare and she makes too much to qualify for State Aid so she has no choices available to her. Then the topic sort of found its way to corporations paying benefits (rather NOT paying them, in lieu of making everyone part-time) and ended up how Obamacare is driving small businesses out of the small label, moving into obsolete... please... woman...
a) I wanted a relaxing massage. Do you seriously think this is relaxing?
b) It’s OK not to talk while doing massages... really it is. I mean, she had more of an issue with the uncomfortable silence, which btw, I had NO problem what-so-ever with that part, in fact, I kept not answering in the hopes that she would get the hint. Finally, I just gave and schooled her for a bit on how people pay taxes vs. how corporations pay taxes. 
I told her that I have not paid taxes in years... if ever. I think I did one year and perhaps, that was the impetus for me never to do it again. 
What's your secret, do you ask? Well I might as well tell you, as I did her, during this hour-long session. You start up your own business... but wait, she is a 1099 employee. So I went down the check list for her on what the IRS standards on the interpretation of "What makes a 1099 Contractor?" 
By this point, she had done my back and flipped me over and started to work on my neck and shoulders. But I had her thinking with all of my brilliance, so she kept asking me questions. The only problem was HELLO, YOU ARE DOING MY MASSAGE, REMEMBER? I had to have her move or to stop in certain places because the 1 inch square of neck between my collar bone and the base of my neck has been massaged now enough to last me a lifetime... ok, so I over-exaggerate, but not by much. I tried to hint a couple of time by moving, telling her my neck hurts, getting up and cracking my neck and by golly if she didn’t just go right back to the same exact spot... OUCH already! 
I wish I could have said, hey finish my … (arms, face, neck and hands...) but at this point, I was ready to get this $29 massage experience over with. 
Look, she was a nice girl, but I didn’t pay to chat for an hour... no wait, to give free financial advice, while she got paid; She pretty much gained the pleasure from this visit… me? No.
The cherry...  this was a Groupon for Chiropractors... Twins, Daniel and David, or something like that. She wanted to grab one of them to come in so they could give me the shpiel... Chiropractic... Good... Blah... Blah...
They pushed their services, (or was I just converted?)) asking to complete forms, talk about back problems/pain, past Chiropractic… they even asked for my insurance card. (Um, no) I am seeking a massage.  Oh and, thanks for the great $29 for one hour of bliss … but no thanks.