Can I Bum a Smoke?

Can I Bum a Smoke?  I tend to think that the words, “Can I Bum a Smoke” is a magical phrase. That phrase, like no other can be a bridge for instant communication with another person and the cigarette becomes a magic stick once ignited. Maybe it’s not-so-good for human consumption, it certainly is good for fraternization.  So I have to ask... should people smoke? Are cigarettes getting a bum rap?

The other day I saw some guy walk past me, and walked up to some guy he didn’t know. He stopped and asked, “Hey, can I bum a smoke?”  Not long after, these two unknownenst to each other were striking up a conversation and within minutes, they acted as if they had known each other for months… you know, personal details like whether or not Joe has a dog and/or a girlfriend and what Steve had for lunch or what he did over the weekend.  In fact, a few more people came and before I knew it, I was watch this mysterious experience as it was unfolding as this group of people stood there just hanging out... and chatting it up. Then seven minutes later, they all disbursed, moving in their separate ways.

This, as we all know, is not ordinary behavior for homo-sapiens. It’s not common for people who don’t know each other to strike up and have conversations.  

Let’s take getting on an elevator for example. First one person gets on the elevator. Then a couple more peeps come in. Just say for grins and giggles, this pair knows each other so they are off in the corner,  whispering. Now let’s add a few more people… everyone is looking at everything BUT each other – staring off… checking email, texting,  looking at everything from the elevator buttons, to what floor it is, to checking out the ceiling... as a means to avoid any contact what-so-ever. People actually avoid saying something out of fear of being stuck in this tiny little room stuffed with strangers. But whip out a smoke and it’s chat time. (p.s. no smoking in an elevator. Don’t you all get my ass in trouble!)

So me and a friend run through a few scenario’s to see if that ‘smoke’ is really magic, or just a phenomenon. My friend said you don’t need to smoke, that maybe you just ask someone for a light, or for a lighter. I took his input in account but ended up thinking that it just doesn’t fit the criteria. Someone asks for a light and may be doing just that… they get their light and move on. Same thing with a lighter… although it’s a little more personal since the holder actually owns the lighter... (ever notice how they HOLD the lighter and not hand it over?) In this circumstance, one might feel he should stay and chat, but for the most part, when people get the light, they split.

So what is it about bumming a cigarette that initiates a situation for people stop and hang out? Do they feel beholden to stay and smoke.. after all, they are getting this smoke for free and it’s only polite, right? I guess it’s rude to bum a smoke and split. Regardless of this odd phenomenon, this is a way that we can get people to sit and break bread, er … smoke a cigar or cigarette… together.

You know... as I think ... THIS could be the answer to solving everything… from marriages to politics. Literally. We could even bring nations together by getting together and light up! The United Nations should consider changing its motto to incorporate the Peace... Pipe?

Then there is an aid for intimacy for couples. Need more intimacy in your relationship? Just go bum a smoke. (p.s. Online Dating sites and Phillip Morris, if you are out there listening, I would brand this idea now, while it’s hot.)  Better yet, help rebuild all those bad marriages. Or maybe we could create a speed dating event called, “Light up and Hook up.” If you want to talk to that person, then you simply take a toke. er.. I mean, light a cigarette... (sorry... wrong vice.) It could sure eliminate some of those inevitable uncomfortable silences. Three minutes can be a long ass time when you are staring across the table at a woofer or a total bore.

Well, we all know that smoking is bad for your health, but now I am wondering about the studies done on smoking and stress? Perhaps their data is biased. Studies show (well my powers of observation do anyway... and if you are shaking your head... evidently yours does too!) that people who smoke, take more breaks at work. So maybe smoking can also be portrayed as a stress reliever? I, for one, used to envy those smokers while I was chained to my desk without an excuse to leave; smoking was the perfect excuse to slip out for ten minutes every couple of hours.

From intimacy aid to stress relief, I think the cigarette has been getting a Bum Rap ... get it... bum rap?  Or maybe we should come up with new ingredients, something that doesn’t contain 21 toxins with names that you can’t pronounce, just so we can enjoy some of the other perks of smoking. Either way, I certainly learned that there is something magical about that phrase that brings all of us together... Hey, Can I Bum a Smoke?

Meg White-man for Governor

I came across a news headline today that I found too funny!

Meg Whitman Housekeeper Scandal: Blames Jerry Brown

Ha Ha Ha I find this hilarious. Especially on the heals of the debate where she said that we should close the borders against immigrants BUT give them a temporary pass to come pick our strawberries. (What a bitch.) Well bitch wasn't the word I was thinking but I will keep it clean...er.

Meg got busted. Ms. close the borders and keep out the immigrants turned around and had the audacity to blame Jerry Brown. No Gloria Allred. No, never mind... Jerry did it, he is trying to run a smear campaign. HA! (even funnier since her not-so-nice ads have inundated public radio and tv for months now!) The only problem is that he is smearing her with her own shit. LOL! I but that shit stanks! Although somehow, I have a feeling we have only begun to scratch the (a-hem) surface.  But Jerry you might want to thank the one in the All-red suit for an early Christmas gift.
This women is a hoot. She has absolutely no authenticity what-so-ever. It's bad enough that she is trying to buy her gubernatorial seat 'cuz I guess the seat she has doesn't quite fit.  I have one word for Meg Whitman. Corporate.

So people of California.. let me ask you a question. How do you like your job? Do you like your boss? How ethical is your boss? What about the company policies? Do you like the way business is done at work? Ok that's more than one question... but my point is this... If Meg gets elected, you will now have your boss running the state's affairs. Or your Governor running the state like a business? Since when did the private sector enter into public service? They don't even know what public means... it's the tin man running the State of California. That's just wrong.

We might as well let the Rizzo/City of Bell team off the hook now because it is the SAME difference. Corporate greed spilling into politics. I guess since they got caught with their pants down in Ponzi schemes and corporate fraud, that getting into politics is the only thing that makes sense. Now they can change the very law that will EXXONerate them.  Now that's just BP... er I meant... BS
Shame on you Meg Whitman. Your slip is showing.

We have already been Bush-whacked. *taken from Glossary terms (with permission from http://intherear-view-mirror.blogspot.com/)

Whoever Told Men...?

Whoever said that it was ok for a guy to buy a pair of sandals that are waaaay to big... and that would be acceptable?

I am at the counter ready to buy my sugar-free peach, mango Slurpee and there is this 20-ish year old, kinda dumpy guy standing in front of me. Here I am, minding my own business, looking him up and down and I am thinking... hmm not much to him. and then I get down to his shows... it was like a broken record coming to a screeching stop.

As I looked down I saw he was wearing his beach sandals like 3 sizes too big... his shoe was sticking out - about an inch on each side - from his toes and his heels...

What the hell is that?

His feet looked like they were a third of their actual size. But then looking over the rest of his attire, he had on a very large, baggy T-shirt, and some baggy low-waisted pants. So the shoes had just as much thought as the rest of his clothes. But it was the shoes that really bugged me.

Baggy clothes are one thing, but this wasn’t a case of high fashion where it’s now cool for the guy to walk around with half his ass covered in multi-colored flags covering the slot in between his baggy pants where the belt is saving the rest of us from the peek show… This was more like, 'I walked into the Target Mens department, grabbed a pair from the rack that somewhat resembled a number that he guessed would fit his body, and then slapped down a twenty at the register," demeanor of shopping.

At first it had occurred to me that this guy must have lost a lot of weight. I mean for a guy, you know… forty pounds or so. And he still had another ten or twenty to go and didn’t want to buy more clothes just yet… in hopes.

But then I thought, … no, sadly, he has a "peeny" ... you know, a teenie penis... and wore his shoes bigger, in the attempt to say, hey I wear a much bigger size that he actually did. It might be embarrassing to shop for shoes and say, can I get a size 7… in Mens? Women don’t run away quite so fast.

Although any one of those reasons would have been good ones, but then I started to think to myself about the raising ritual of the young teenage white male; soon I had the answer.

He was lazy.

He didn't care what he looked like because he was, first, a white male. Mommy probably did everything for him, so no one really taught him how to shop, iron, and possibly even do laundry.

He obviously wasn't groomed; therefore had no current girlfriend... (this theory, of course, is much like the, 'who came first discussion... the chicken or the egg) No way was this guy getting a girl, dressed (and groomed) like that; even if he had the girl, it’s obvious that he didn’t care all that much about her... maybe just keeping her around to wash his dishes and do a little laundry, and of course, clean his clock.

So my question is, whoever said that it was acceptable to look like this? I guess women do it too... especially after we have babies, but geez loueeze, we are dodging excrements comin' outta all orifices. What's your excuse?

Ok so you don’t have one. No harm, no foul. But maybe just take a cue from this. There are little feet painted on the floor of some stores. (especially in the boys …ahem section) AND if you step it up a notch, to you know, Mall level, you can actually get some hot chick ready and waiting with the silver foot measuring device. You put your foot into the machine nestled securely in her crotch. Two for one there, eh buddy?

But whatever you do, DON'T go outside in public wearing sandals that big. It's embarrassing for both of us... But mostly to you, but hey, we are all now thinking about how unfortunate it must be… to be in your shoes...

Kinda like tossing a hot dog down a hallway... if you get my drift??

As Seen on TV

You know they say that television will warped the brain. But I have to tell you that after spending the past few weeks on hyper-drive trying to make deadlines, it was actually TV that gave me some reprieve. It was a joke that made me laugh hysterically.

What do you get when you mix Xanax with Viagra?

A bore that won’t go away.

Have you met any of those?

Copyright © Shelli Buhr 2010