I get that you have this stuff happening but unfortunately, the other people in our lives are not capable of understanding what we are feeling.
They may know how history but no one person could possibly fathom the extent of how we feeling, and the filters that it went through, nor the trauma that came in the form of habits and denials that we also experience because of those feelings.
And like unrequited love, no other person could possibly feel anything close to what we are feeling so no matter how MAD you get, how much ANGER boiling through your veins, it is ONLY YOU that has to deal with the fallout of all of that energy.
Others around you will 'experience' their own blueprint of the situation but their experience is no way near anything that yours can be because we are so unique in ALL ways.
Like in unrequited love, that other person may not know us but not how we feel, nor to what extent, but that doesn’t make what WE are feeling within ourselves in any LESS THAN if the person in front of us was our partner for 2 days, two years, or twenty... we still experience our own deeply profound, unique, experience when its good, bad, on the rocks, or sublime… it’s OUR experience, not theirs.
And because of that, I am concerned for YOU. Because you have been talking about your feelings, which A)… is great because I know you and a little of your experience… and is good because you are moving these feelings but I would like to see you try to release them. Forgiveness isn’t really about someone else. It’s all you baby… "I release the part of me that ANGERS me when I think of you… I release the part of me that RAGES in me when I think of you. Get it?" You can insert any word in between to get the jist. It will never change. The only change will be... change. But it can only come from you.
I want to see you healthy and happy and obviously life circumstances are challenging you at home but all this energy is going to take you out, not make her feel ONE IOTA LESS OR DIFFERENT than how they feel because their experience, the good, bad, ugly, betraying part of them is a completely different experience that they have from yours. Everything from their upbringing, filters, past betrayals and other relationships all make up a part of the person who stands before you…
If you both wrote a book, what would each of yours say? Two completely different takes because it comes from two entirely different sources, even if we have lived together for twenty years, those partners are having a very different reality than your understanding of it. So whatever you have to do to release all that toxicity from with you has to be done. You have to make the choices to walk away from the toxicity or it will take you out.
FOR YOUR CHILDREN, you need to be in touch and loving the parts of you that are healthy and happy and sometimes, it takes walking away from the craziness (NO MATTER WHAT AND FOR GOD’S SAKE DON’T LOOK BACK!) for YOU. Which really means for your children who love and adore and desperately you to show them EXACTLY HOW TO WALK THE WALK.
Everything you do, they see. They learn, and then grow into their own experiences that will go like this... either they hate you for what you did and choose to be completely the opposite or they learn the dysfunctional manner that your own story was staged upon. Or they choose to see a happy parent, full of love. Not Bitterness. Don’t you see how much they want your happiness? Need it actually!
YOU, KIMOSABE… are the teacher here. It won’t be an easy journey but it will bring you ultimately what you really do want in life, and what you deserve. A new beginning, a closed door, and hope.
Remember to hold your heart gently. It's fragile... but generous with love for those around you.
